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sweet pea is kicking! i LOVE this feeling. it is always the strongest when i'm sitting upright, such as while at the computer.
understandably, the kicking part of the pregnancy is what makes me feel closest to our little one. i can put my hand on a certain part of my tummy and feel the baby give me a good thump. i can't help but think that but for a few layers of tissue, my hand would be touching him/her. it's like a game, trying to guess where the kick will land next!
oh, i so love this little person. tomorrow morning we have the big sonogram. we won't find out the sex of the baby, but i am soooo excited about getting to see.
~~~~~
you know, since i'm on the topic, sometimes i have quiet little qualms about looking at the ultrasound. this is not meant to give anyone a guilt trip, because of course i'm still going to look and be excited, but i still can't help but think of the womb as "the secret place", like in Psalm 139. you know? do you think there could be some unknown cost or consequence to viewing the "secret place"? after all, that is where God is making a person in secret, according to His word.
i guess that'll have to be added to my list of questions i get to ask when i get to heaven. LOL - by the way, that list of questions, is it Biblically founded? isn't there a universal Information Desk mentioned somewhere in the Bible?
(because i have so many questions!)
this evening i was absentmindedly washing the dishes, and i got to the silverware. tired, and ready for the dishwashing to be over (as always), i grabbed a handful of silverware to wash several at once. i grabbed several sharp knives as well as some of max's little plastic baby spoons. all of a sudden my mind jolted! i thought, i can't wash these knives with max's spoons! that's dangerous for them!
LOL somehow my mind equated max's dinnerware with max himself! please tell me another mother understands how my mind could jump to such a silly conclusion!
i guess with all children, but especially with a toddler or baby, you become so accustomed to looking to prevent danger at any given time that it just stays with you. now answer me this, just how long does this stay with you? will i still do this after max leaves the home? (my mom still does this to me you know.)
anyway. i washed the knives and spoons together without the slightest incident. whew!
perhaps it's because i'm pregnant, and feeling emotional right now, perhaps it's because it's 3am, but however it goes, i just want to scream out how much i love the LORD. this is more of an outlet blog post and probably many won't find it interesting but too bad, i just can't keep it in right now!
have you ever heard the song by audio adrenaline.... leaving 99.... it is such a moving song to me and i don't own a copy of it, but i wish i did. that is what God did for me - He sought me out, He never let me fall beyond His reach as if there were such a thing, He caught me on my way down and saved me. me! such an ugly heart, so many dark motives and actions. at one point in my life i truly believed i was beyond salvation - i thought i had screwed up royally and publicly rejected God so many times that it was just over with. what a hopeless time that was....
there's something i think about often, and really am not proud to share but i will. when i met randy, i still carried with me the credit card debt i had accumulated while in college. even though i was working full time and putting every penny i could toward the balance, it was such a stressful burden; i couldn't stand owing anything, and especially not having something to show for it. (well, there's student loans, but that's another story :) ) it was a constant source of shame for me, and it was a ring of disappointment in myself carried ever atop my head.
anyway, i met randy and we fell in love pretty quickly. randy has always been so responsible, especially with his money, which made me feel even more shameful in a way, embarrassed. randy had made so many wise decisions with his money and had enough to spare that one day, he wrote me a check for the entire balance of my credit card debt, an amount which heretofore will remain unmentioned. :) so i applied the money and closed my account.
i was incredulous that he loved me this much - all this shame i carried around and stress, and with one check and after years of all his responsible actions, he took it away for me. i was completely moved by his generosity and unselfishness and i cried and cried, touched by his love for me.
as touched as i was, the lesson didn't really hit me until one day my friend kary told me - danielle, what randy did for you - that is such a perfect picture of what God did. He paid our debts with one fell swoop and we did nothing to deserve it. and now they're gone! we can start clean, and anew and the stress and burdens we carried are lifted.
the thing is, randy and i weren't even married yet. randy's generous act required nothing from me, and he paid this debt before i was ever bound or obligated to him in any way. i could have taken that money and ran with it. of course i never would have done that, but there is still a parallel to me - Jesus had done that for me too! He paid it thousands of years ago when he finally gave up His spirit, hanging on a cross. before i was ever born, before i had ever had a chance to sin. that is incredible!
so here i sit at the computer, simply amazed at a God who loves us this much. much more than this much. as awesome as randy's gift was to me, God's Gift to us cannot be compared. i love Him so much and like with most of those that i love, i am so bad about showing it. God has taken away my old life and started me over, with no more burdens to hang over my head. He has blessed me with the perfect husband for me, and the greatest family and friends. He has blessed us with a baby inside of me! i am utterly shocked at a Perfect Being that would choose to bless such UNperfection.
God, You deserve all the glory there ever existed. May YOUR name be forever praised and honored. i love You.
